Preamble to the Bro Code
Once the contract of becoming bros is made, verbal, written or otherwise, the bro code comes into effect.
Bros will not be assumed to be exclusive unless each has explicitly granted the other exclusive Bro rights. If a Bro is not exclusive then a Bro may have more than one Bro. However, upon becoming exclusive, said Bro must break any Bro ties with all other Bros.
Bros before hoes. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.
Never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s OK.
If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. Was an ex-girlfriend.
B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her.
C. Is you’re buddy’s sister.
However, if it’s your buddy’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in his face for years to come.
Never diss a guy if his team just lost a crushing game.
You must never own a cat.
New amendment to this rule: A Bro may never own more than 2 cats, but only if they adhere to the Bro Code
If you get 2 tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
1. Your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them).
2. Your acquaintances.
3. Your co-workers.
4. The mailman.
5. The UPS guy.
7. John Kerry.
….1,485,726. Your girlfriend.
You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more.
Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. Beer always makes a great gift.
If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once. The Bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. If the other Bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lended yet in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.
There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, hoops, street hockey, bare-fisted boxing, etc.
If you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately.
Standard shotgun rules are as follows.
A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car.
B. Shotgun must be called outside.
C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes.
D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride.
NO PDA (Public Displays of Affection).
It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games.”
Don’t tell other guys elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares.
Never openly question another guy’s sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team.
When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick.
Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.
Never share a bed with a guy, unless there’s no way around it.
Bros Before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable ***** since they’ve gone out with someone.
In a 6 person hot tub, there should be a maximum of 3 guys.
A Bro should not sing and dance at the same time
A Bro should not watch Oxygen, Womens Entertainment, or Lifetime.
Men do not lie about their age.
A Bro should not swing his arms when he is walking.
A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight. A Bro must never hesitate before communicating the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety [[HENCEFORTH “GIRL FIGHT”]], in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A timely manner is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro’s viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, fiber optics, the Broney express, and postcards. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video*, or barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime. Tabling Bro obligations to witness a XX chromosomal scuffle is not only condoned, but encouraged, and in some cases, required. Please refer to the Brobligation rubric as elucidated in AMENDMENT 83: “The REALLY hot sister and other hump trumps.”
A Bro should never carry a woman’s handbag
A Bro should never go tanning.
No Bro should dye their hair
A Bro should never refer to an athlete as a “stud”
A Bro should never cry during a movie. In the event that he does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with.
A Bro should not “pop” his collar.
A Bro should not speak more than two languages.
1. He has lived for a minimum of 9 months in a country whose main language is one of those languages
2. He uses the extra language as a means of picking up women who only speak that language
3. His job requires him to know more than 2 languages
4. It is a means of only to impress women and nothing else
If in the occurrence that a Bro knows more than 2 languages, it is the given right for said bro to invite other bros to parties where this language is spoken, having said bro escort and be the official bilingual wingman.
Bro’s cannot make eye contact during a “devil’s threeway” (two dudes.)
A Bro should never say “it’s to die for”
A Bro should not wear a scarf without a jacket or coat.
A Bro should not wear an ascot.
A Bro should never use the following words: fantabulous, ginormous & fierce.
A Bro should never wrap a towel around his head after leaving the shower.
A Bro should never “sip” and alcoholic drink through a straw
A Bro should never wear a blouse.
If you are not living with a girl you should not have tampons in your bathroom.
A Bro should not wear crocs.
A Bro should not wear a leotard or do pirouettes.
A Bro should never wear a sweater over his shoulders
A Bro should not eat grapes from the vines
A Bro should never rollerblade
The word cute should not be used other then describing a chick they want to bone
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
A Bro should never, ever wear capri pants.
A Bro should not wear flip flops with a suit.
No Bro should wear a speedo to the beach
A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection. In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect his Bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at Bro-in-need’s location. A Bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum – a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro’s location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro’s “flow.” It is understood that a Bro will engage in all training necessary to achieve this objective, including, at minimum, a five month Ninjitsu curriculum mastering the twin arts of stealth and secrecy.** Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, “high five.” Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it’s part of an awesome story. * Unless a bicycle is the ONLY form of transportation, as in some Cambodian villages **
No Bro should make a kissing face in a photo.
No Bro should wear girl jeans
A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it’s cool.
A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro/chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and/or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
One Bro makes a solo attack.
A Second Bro provides a crutch,
A third Bro rounds out the pack,
But a fourth Bro is one too much
Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girls wildly unattractive friend/cousin/sister.
A Bro shall honor thy father and mother
In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo(rock paper scissors) shall determine the outcome
In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in any capacity, including but not limited to; the high-five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteus pat. Winking is also a no no.
A Bro must provide his Bro to a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supercedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.
If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than “that sucks, Bro” and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary – deserved or not – regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing , another Bro shall point out that he is a tool
If a Bro be on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work; or temporary immigration to a foreign country.
No Bro should ever get a pedicure
A Bro should never highlight his hair.
A Bro should not talk to another Bro in the bathroom.
A Bro should never sing show tunes.
A Bro should never eat out of another Bro’s hands.
Two men should not share an umbrella.
A Bro should not have “an outfit”.
A Bro should not wear a white belt.
A Bro never cries. Unless it’s regarding Article 31.
A Bro should never wiggle out of a pair of pants.
No Bro can hit another Bro in the groin unless victim Bro has broken the Bro code.
A Bro may never seek entertainment from professional women’s sports. Unless said entertainment be comedic or physical e.g. gymnastics, beach volleyball
What happens between bros stay between bros…
also known as the what happens in vegas stays in vegas rule and the what happens on tour stays on tour rule
If a Bro catches another Bro in plagiarism – albeit awesome plagiarism – a Bro shall be required to ask the Bro to cite his source.
A Bro can not cock-block another Bro UNLESS sleeping with said girl would break a Bro code.
Love thy neigh-Bro
No bros night out can start with “the wife put out some cheese” and end “with everyone at home by eleven, booya.”
If said bros is lost to a relationship, they must void all rights to use the bros code for any purpose and are rightfully subjected to any and all humorous ploys made to said post-bros by previous bros.
A Bro shall at all times say ‘Yes’.
Any bros who notice a fellow bros passed out at any social gathering due to drug or alcohol consumption, is obligated to take humiliating photo’s and/or videos of the passed out bros; unless said bros has consumed a whiskey, rum, scotch or other hard liquor to an excess of a ratio of: once ounce:3kg of body mass (7lbs imperial)
“A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro.” Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro’s mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [[NOTA BENE: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro’s mom is a 9 or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.]] Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro’s adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro, ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
No bros should know any fellow bros weight for any reason. Previous bros code stipulation should only have an assumed weight. If the assumed weight is on the turning point of humility and peace, humility over-rides
When bros are up for the same promotion/job position and are subjected to interviews, bros in a prior interview must alert bros of any and all trick questions they can remember. This ensures all bros get an equal chance at the position/title because it is well known fact that the bros performing the interview wants to get the process over as quick as possible and the only way for a fair chance is to make all subsequent bros seem better.
When a bros introduces a fellow bros to their hot female friend, the introducer has the rights to the girl. The introduced bros can only attempt to get the girl if the introducer bros gives his consent.
If any bros acts out of line and defies any bros code during a multiple bros conversation with any number of girls, the other bros have the right to tell any humiliating stories and facts about said bros for the purpose of ruining said bros chances with the girl(s).
Should a Bro (1st, 2nd or 3rd) be hooking up with an unattractive woman, the Bro that notices this must do all in their power to stop said Bro from closing the deal, unless they are helping another Bro with Article 60.
Any girl passing out in a non-bedroom designated area of a dwelling occupied by more than one bros is not up for grabs under any circumstances. Additionally, said girl can be subjected to humiliating photos as long as other bros are alerted to its undertaking